The Physics of Zero Gravity
by N7Commando86
Summary: Shepard and Kaidan won't stop messing with Joker, so he goes to desperate lengths to get back at them. Hilarity ensues. One-shot tumblr prompt.


Disclaimer: Mass Effect doesn't belong to me, nor do I intend to profit from this work of fiction.

_A/N: This was a prompt from the Shenko Sisters on tinychat, and is a collaboration between eternalshiva, both here and on tumblr, and myself (brandnewandancient on tumblr). It also references eternalshiva's other fic, Airlock and Angry Pilots, which is a must read! Now, on with the show!_

* * *

Joker narrowed his eyes as he approached the cockpit, his chair swiveled incorrectly, which meant someone had messed with it. Not a lot of things bothered Joker in general, but lately, his Commanding officers were fucking with his mind, and it was seriously starting to wear his patience thin.

His slow approach was observed by EDI, who arched a brow curiously at his scowl when his hands grabbed the soft leather of the pilot's chair and swiveled it towards him to seat himself. He paused, and his already fractious temper turned foul when he discovered a pair of boots sitting in his way.

"EDI," he leaned over, grabbing the boots by their tongues and throwing them away behind him, "Was the Commander in here recently?" He watched her, one hand on his hip, using the other to hold himself steady against the chair. The AI turned her full attention on him, recalling the Major's smirk as he dumped the boots on his chair and put his fingers to his lips when EDI went to question the action.

"No, Jeff, the Commander has not visited the cockpit recently. If you are inquiring as to who is responsible for the footwear on your seat, it was Major Alenko," she pointed out factually but it didn't seem to relieve the flight lieutenant of his bad mood.

"I can't fucking work under these conditions," he murmured under his breath, seating himself before his fingers glided soundlessly over the flight console. "I get up to take a fucking leak, and this shit happens," he grumbled fiercely. EDI observed him for a few more moments, her memory banks wandering over what the Commander suggested yesterday, if Jeff found himslef in a bad mood.

"Jeff," her metallic voice almost sounded pensive. He looked away from the consoles, his fingers caressing the flight controls as he fumed over this latest prank.

"Yeah?" His eyes met hers and there was a pause long enough for him to wonder if she was broken. She wasn't one to stop talking when she was curious about something.

"Did you know that early boots consisted of separate leggings, soles, and uppers worn together to provide greater ankle protection than shoes or sandals?" she began, accessing the extranet for more information. The Commander had told her that Joker was fascinated with boot trivia and when he seemed really out fo sorts to just indulge him with it. Joker's fingers stilled, his mouth slightly agape, not noticing the twitch that seemed to have developed above his right eye. She continued, encouraged by his reaction.

"Around 1000 B.C. these components were more permanently joined to form a single unit that covered the feet and lower leg, often up to the knee," she adjusted her tone, to make herself sound less factual, and more engaging. Shepard had mentioned she needed to work on that, this was a great opportunity now that Joker was enraptured in her knowledge on boots. "In fact, a type of soft leather ankle boots were worn by nomads in eastern Asia, and carried to China to India and Russia around 1200 to 1500 A.D by Mongol invaders-"

"Fuck my life," he hands scrubbed over his face in annoyance, lifting his hat slightly in his frustration, "Did the Commander put you up to this?" He peeked through his fingers while EDI stared at him, perfect brows unmoving as she considered the correct answer.

"Shepard was quite adamant that you were very interested in trivia pertaining to boots," she connected her visual inputs to the console, replaying the scene to Joker. He watched in horror as Shepard's voice fluttered across the cockpit and encouraged EDI to torture him. He knew he should have just kept his mouth shut when her and the Major had their tryst in the airlock but he didn't expect their vengance to be this petty.

He didn't expect the _Major_ to stoop this low either. Well, they weren't the only ones who could resort to petty shit. He cut off the playback, his fingers flying over his console as he searched for his superior officers.

He flickered through the camera feeds, not sure he could actually spot them since Shepard had made a point to know where all the cameras were. She also developed this horrifying habit of giving Joker a little show when instigating things with the Major before Kaidan would cut off the feeds with his hacking abilities. When he had bitched about it, she had reminded him about his rather spectacular ability to cock-block aboard the SR1. He waved the thought away, still fuming.

"EDI, what can you tell me about the Commander's vitals?"

"Shepard's heart rate and breathing are steadily increasing but she is not currently exorcising."_ If you catch my drift _basically went unsaid. "Her heartbeat is erratic, and her temperature is elevated."

"Where is she?"

"Her and the Major are currently occupying the elevator, set to stop at the Loft," EDI informed him after a slight pause.

Joker narrowed his eyes and looked at the elevator cams again, it was empty - there was no one there, but EDI was confirming their presence.

"That son of a bitch is looping feeds in the elevator." Joker narrowed his eyes, leaning back against his chair. How was he going to end this little war?

He grinned, tugging at his beard as an idea struck him.

"EDI, I need you to keep this between you and me and we need to work fast." His tone dropped, dragging EDI closer, her interest piqued at his conspiratorial tone.

"Yes, Jeff."

* * *

Their bodies tumbled out of the elevator doors - they didn't quite make it to the loft entrance, Kaidan shoving Shepard roughly against the wall next to the door to their cabin. His tongue warred against hers, fighting for dominance while her fingers pulled at his shirt, itching to touch his skin.

His lips fused to the pulse point in her throat, sucking greedily, dragging a ragged moan from her lips as she tugged ineffiencently at his belt. "Naked," she panted desperately as his hands roved down the curve of her spine to grip her ass, pulling her to grind against his blatant arousal.

He chuckled at her impatience, "You think he's found the boots yet?" he asked, deftly changing the subject. He planned to drag this out, to have her panting and begging. He grunted as she shoved him back and jumped on him, wrapping her long legs around his hips.

"Boots? What boots?" she mumbled against his lips as he staggered towards the door, down the few steps towards the bed.

He groaned softly, "Your boots, remember? In his chair?" she shook her head as the husky timbre of his voice washed over her, forgetting everything else. He groaned as she claimed his lips once more, and he smiled against her as they toppled onto the bed, tugging at each others clothes. _Fuck taking their time_, they had all night, she thought as his mouth closed over her soft breast, making her squeal in surprise at the contact.

"You have a really short memory when my ass is on your mind, Shepard," he murmured, she couldn't really focus on what he was babbling on about, her mind distracted by his lack of exposed skin.

"Don't care right now," she replied as her clever fingers tugged and yanked his shirt over his shoulders, unbuttoning just enough to gain access before pulling hard, tearing it off in one sift movement, buttons flying everywhere. She smirked when he frowned at her, "You have spares," she purred between his lingering kisses. She flared brightly for a moment, her mind focused on his pants and she yanked them back. Kaidan gasped at the sudden feeling of her power washing over him but grunted in approval. Her hands slipped down his body and slid under the elastic band, revelling in his sharp intake of breath as she struggled to remove his boxers. He obliged her, flipping them around expertly to ease her access, fingers sliding along his shaft in appreciation.

He groaned, slapping her hands away before flipping them around again. Her hips arched off the bed as he tugged her pants from her, and his lips trailed hotly from her ankle to her inner thigh, making her shudder in delight. He pressed one wet kiss to her molten core before she flared brightly, and her hands fisted viciously in his hair, yanking him up ruthlessly. "Later, I need you inside me now," she hissed as he pressed against her tight entrance.

She pressed her head back against the pillows as he filled her, and let out confused whoop as the feeling of weightlessness assaulted her. She looked around frantically as everything that wasn't nailed down rose in the air around them. "Fucking hell!" she cursed, "Are we under attack?" she yelled in frustration, looking around for her mag boots, finding them stuck firmly to the floor, out of reach.

Kaidan shook his head, trying to hold her wiggling frame still as he felt himself slipping from her, "Woman, stay still!" he demanded, and smirked at her as she instantly stopped squirming. He took a moment to assess their situation, no lights were flashing in warning and the most important of all, "No warning klaxons, I think we're fine," he concluded outloud.

Shepard blinked, and then remembered his comment about her boots. Her eyes narrowed dangerously, adding the pilot to her shit list.

"Fucking Joker," she spat out, "and EDI, she's gotta be in on this, too." She wrapped her legs around him as they floated harmlessly around the room. She managed to wrestle her anger down long enough to see this interesting opportunity, she snickered, this was something she and Kaidan could _rise_ to the occasion to take advantage of. She turned her attention to him, his fingers gripping her steady as they floated and she pushed aside the pillows that were silently attacking them.

"You still game, Major?" she purred seductively, eyebrows wiggling suggestively.

He swallowed hard as her strong inner muscles squeezed him tightly for a brief moment. "You still want to do this? Zee-gee?"

A wicked glint twinkled in her eyes, "C'mon, where's your adventurous side?"

It was all the goading he needed as his mind flew through potential scenarios, trying to figure out the logistics of thrusting without gravity. Gravity was very important for sexual congress, as far as he was concerned. He gripped her hips firmly, holding her tightly against him as he pumped his hips experimentally into her, her moan of approval lingering in his ears as he inadvertantly flared, testing out way to anchor themselves within the air.

Unfortunately, he sent them into a fast spin, and she grunted loudly as she crashed through the glass of her model ship display. "Shit! Shepard!" he cried, wincing at the thought of bloodying her while trying this stupid, inane thing.

He looked down at her as she smirked up at him, "Don't you fucking stop," her eyes glowing eerily blue from her barrier. "It's just a scratch," she murmured as she pressed her lips to the column of his throat, her teeth scraping over the sensitive skin. He tried to ignore the shards of glass flying around helplessly, the few droplets of her blood floating past his line of vision, and her ships at war with each other in a strange, fumbling reenactment of their last battle against the reapers. Her teeth turned his attention back to where it belonged as they scraped viciously against his throat; he flared again, thrusting.

She moaned as they started to spin slowly, his mind frantically trying to figure out how to bend the laws of gravity to his will. He could manipulate gravities forces, but not the law itself... he looked around, the wall gave him an idea.

"Shepard," he murmured, trying to ignore the feel of her experimently gripping his erection in this situation, "we need to push towards that wall." She moaned in frustration as he pumped his hips into her again, sending them into a faster spin, to her dismay. She was game for anything, but wasn't entirely sure how he expected them to get over to a wall when all her body wanted to do was float _up. _She blinked, her own complaint giving her a _fantastic _idea, and flared brilliantly, attempting to use the dark energy to push them towards the wall in question.

* * *

Garrus stepped out of the airlock and into outer space, Tali followed him carefully as she watched her omni-tool. He studied the vast expanse of darkness and stars spread out before them and shuddered. He hated space-walking. He'd rather face a hoard of banshee groundside any day.

"The breach isn't very big, but it's up by the window of the Loft and we both know how Shepard feels about the possibility of hull breaches and getting sucked out of her room," Tali informed him over the dull clanking of their mag-boots against the hull of the ship.

Tali's voice seemed slightly amused, and Garrus shook his head; he had guns to calibrate, this wasn't part of his skill sets but no one goes on a space walk alone and he wasn't about to let Tali out here by herself while she did some minor repairs. He still wasn't sure how he had gotten volunteered over an Alliance engineer, though.

"Let's just get this over with. Shepard was on her way up to her cabin with Kaidan and the last thing I want them to see is..." Garrus paused, thinking on the two love ... snakes? Birds? What was the human expression...? Either way, he didn't want to see them alone together... humans and their mating rituals were ridiculous, and extremely messy.

Tali tugged on the rope between them as they marched across the hull and towards the loft, her 'tool beeping to indicate they were close to their destination.

"Hmm, that's odd," Tali paused, tapping her omnitool as though it was malfunctioning, her finger flying on the display as she studied the information it relayed to her.

"What?" Garrus asked warily, and turned towards her, his head cocked slightly.

"There seems to be a gravitational malfunction in Shepard's cabin." Garrus could almost hear her frowning as she tapped the 'tool again.

"Wouldn't EDI have mentioned that?" he asked, his anxiety increasing. He was sure they were about to be made the fool, he just wasn't sure how, but he knew Joker had to be involved some way or another.

"Yes, she should actually be _acutely_ aware of the problem." Tali murmured to herself, her brain trying to figure why only the cabin was affected. She pushed past Garrus, using her weight to speed through the remaining space to reach the breach on the hull.

Tali paused at her destination, her head suddenly cocking to the right in thought.

"Oh..." she exclaimed in surprise as she noticed Shepard's ships floating by, glass shards and various objects hanging useless in the air. Garrus leaned over her shoulder, to see what she she was looking at, his mandible flexing in wonder at the situation when suddenly a oddly beige coloured_ thing_ smacked into the window.

Tali and Garrus blinked.

Kaidan groaned, "Shepard..." as they crashed into the skylight, his bare bottom smacking unattractively against the cold glass. A small yelp escaped his lips as he rolled them, grinning mischievously as he returned the favor. He paused for a moment, noticing two people outside the window. He wasn't sure how to react to this particular _strange_ situation so he nodded to Garrus in acknowledgement and continued to thrust into Shepard. Their moans mingled in the air of the cabin as he stroked her deeply, hitting that spot within that made her go cross-eyed.

Garrus swore when his eyes met Kaidan's through the glass, he pulled on Tali's arm, trying desperately to move her away from the window.

Spirits, these humans were far too kinky for his taste.

"What... are they mating in Zero Gee...? Is this typical human behaviour?" Tali's innocent questions made Garrus trip, barely catching himself. He just wanted to forget the whole absurd thing. He choked at her words, and coughed in his helmet, thanking the Spirits she couldn't see his face through his breather.

"Let's... just forget we saw anything," he stammered uncomfortably, urging her back to make her repairs so they could head back.

Unaware of the disturbance, Shepard gulped for air while Kaidan set a punishing pace that sent them streaking across the room from the ceiling, bouncing off various things she couldn't quite identify. Her face flushed hotly as her orgasm built within her, yet staying teasingly out of reach as they wheeled and spun in the air with each thrust of his hips, she looked around for a moment, realizing they were now above her desk, she kicked out a foot and sent them across the room towards the bed. She mentally cursed Joker as her frustration stacked up. Kaidan's moans were driving her crazy, he needed leverage, something to perch herself against for that last deep stroke that would send them over the edge.

She ground her teeth, "Can't you override the gravity controls," she panted into his shoulder, her teeth sinking into the corded muscle she found there.

He hissed, more in pleasure than pain, "It would take me a few hours to override EDI."

"Can't you just, use Stasis or something?" He thrust again, missing the spot again and she felt like snarling, or bringing Joker up on the comm to rip him a new one while he had to listen to Kaidan moan.

It would serve that little bastard right.

"I could but then, you wouldn't be able to do all the things I like," he licked her neck and bit the skin, her gasp sending a thrill of excitement through him and her nails dug into his back, "Just like that," he gasped and she did it again just for good measure.

They spun out of control again, unable to tell which way was up or down and she was constantly teetering on the edge of pleasure, "I'm going to fucking kill Joker," she moaned out and Kaidan chuckled.

* * *

Garrus and Tali entered the airlock, the decon cycle quickly finishing, and he eyed the pilot who seemed fairly pleased with himself.

"EDI, there's a gravitational issue in Shepard's cabin," he watched as Joker turned towards them, Tali stumbled in past Garrus, still muttering something in her native language under her breath.

"Yeah, EDI is working on fixing that," the cheeky pilot grinned, stretching his arms, folding his hands behind his head with a self-satisfied smirk.

Garrus narrowed his eyes and turned to leave but noticed the pair of boots abandoned in the corner of the cockpit. He shook his head.

"Joker, it would be in your best interest to turn the gravity back on." He didn't wait too long, walking away but he still mentioned casually, "Unless you really want to give her a reason to kill you."

Joker snorted and eyed EDI wearily.

"Shepard _has_ mentioned killing you several times in the last few minutes, Jeff," she replied mechanically. He swallowed, pondering his options.

"Can... can you track their position in the cabin?"

"Yes."

"Turn it back on when it won't kill them." He sighed, he wanted to win this but, he liked his bones in one piece and cock-blocking the commander just wasn't worth dying over.

"Understood, Jeff."

* * *

Shepard's hands trailed down Kaidan's back, gripping his ass, "If I don't come soon, I'm killing everyone on this ship," she ground out between clenched teeth. Her head fell back as he thrust into her slowly, and with a loud shriek they plummeted to the floor. He flared to control their fall, well, his fall anyway, and the air slammed from his lungs as he landed against the cold metal floor.

A sob of appreciation broke from her chest as her orgasm ripped through her as she plunged down on his thick shaft. She sat panting atop him as she attempted to catch her breath; Kaidan, however, was determined she wouldn't as he pumped his hips into her molten heat, filling her with each sure stroke.

Her slick walls clenched down around him, and with a strangled growl, he flipped them so she was beneath him, and his strong hands wrapped around her thighs, pulling her ankles to rest on his shoulders. He pressed his lips to the delicate skin of her ankle, making her squirm as his shifted his hips, filling her deeply.

Her head pressed back into the unforgiving floor as he pounded into her, and with a cry, a second orgasm tore through her, relentlessly dragging him over the edge with her, her muscles clasping him tightly as she rode out the wave of their climax together, their cries lingering in the air.

He let go of her legs, carefully laying on top of her to avoid any debris that was laying around them. He eyed the bed that was but half a foot away from their position and sighed, at least they hadn't dropped from the ceiling.

"I'm going to fucking kill him," Shepard sighed without any real malice behind her words, just glad to have finally reached her climax. She peeked over Kaidan's shoulder and noticed the horrid mess her cabin was in.

"Maybe you two should call a truce?" Kaidan suggested as he tried to catch his breath, kissing her ear. She huffed indignantly, considering her options.

"Joker!" she shouted at the comm. waiting as it flickered to life.

"Yes, ma'am?" He sounded a bit nervous, and just a tad contrite.

"You're paying for all my replacement model ships," she warned, her tone not leaving any room for arguments.

"Aye, aye, Ma'am."

"And Joker?"

"Yes, Commander?"

"I'm sorry I left boots everywhere and told EDI to give you boot trivia..." She sighed, relishing the feel of Kaidan's smirk against her neck. "Shepard out."

Kaidan looked up, smiling at her.

"Now we need to apologize to Garrus and Tali, I think we scarred them for life."

Shepard blinked, confused, "What? Who? What are you talking about?"

EDI's metallic voice filtered through the cabin, "Garrus and Tali were sent out on the hull to investigate a small breach."

"They...what?" Shepard said weakly, she could deal with Joker, and messing with his head was a specialty of hers, but Garrus? Not to mention the naive quarian on her crew. How could she ever face either of them again?

She flushed bright red, and Kaidan roared with laughter at the embarrassment on her face. Shepard wasn't often at a loss for words, but it was priceless when she was. "Pretty sure they saw it all when your ass was pressed against the skylight." He pointed up, her eyes followed the motion and focused on the clear ass print in the window. Two prints, in fact.

She groaned, wondering exactly how that was going to get cleaned off. She shook her head, her cheeks burning as Shepard stared at him, dumbfounded. "And you didn't stop!" she shrieked in disbelief, smacking his shoulder with her open palm.

He chuckled gleefully, "Darling, hell itself wasn't going to stop me. Pretty sure we're the first humans to fuck in zero gravity," he added thoughtfully, a shit-eating grin on his lips.

Shepard fumed, and stood, scowling at the broken glass glittering on every surface of her cabin. With heroic concentration, she yanked open the drawer that kept her clean uniforms with her biotics, and pulled one over to her, hurriedly dressing. She shook out her boots and slipped them on. With one last scowl at her smirking lover, she stalked out of the cabin, intent on finding both Garrus and Tali, and somehow apologizing to them.


End file.
